30-Day BPD Challenge – Day 3

self-harm-to-write-love-on-her-arms-32022066-450-500Question for today: do you self-harm? If yes, why?

I recently had my definition of self-harm changed and in the not too distant past I would have said that no, I don’t self-harm. At least I haven’t since high school when I did cut a few times. In IOP during the reading of the rules there was a rule about discussing suicide and self-harm; I mentioned the rule should be expanded to include eat disorders since those can be triggering to some. I was informed that eating disorders are considered self-harm and not to be talked about in detail during IOP; my old definition of self-harm wouldn’t have included eating disorders, but I guess it makes since to some degree.

I have not done cutting since high school although one of the first go to’s when self-harm comes to mind is cutting. Why cutting? The pain is cathartic and helps to bring me back into the present, it also gives me control of sorts over something in my otherwise out of control life. The problem is cutting often becomes the default go to when trying to deal with anything…

Given that my ED now falls within the realm of self-harm, I now have to say there hasn’t been a day that’s gone by for months that I haven’t participated in self-harm. As mentioned in my blog post, Ana Stops by For a Visit & First Day of IOP, Ana has been a part of my life for the past couple of months and I hadn’t even realized it. The reasons behind eating disorders are complex but to a large degree it’s because it gives me control over something in my life. I can see how it can be a form of self-harm in that typically ED’s lead to death if left untreated and death is perhaps the greatest form of self-harm when you get down to it.

So yes, I do self-harm and do it mostly to have control over something in my life…

Peace, love, and contentment,
Izzy

PS. You can find the 30-Day Borderline Personality Disorder Challenge here…

4 Comments

  1. the way it was explained to me, cutting releases endorphins, like drinking, drugs, smoking cigarettes, exercising, whatever. your brain gets lazy because it wants a quick fix. so every time you feel a pang of stress your brain turns to whatever quick thing to calm it down. that’s where the urge comes from.

    the only relief i have is that i do have control. thinking about cutting and doing it are two different things. but it still doesn’t help that i think about it all the time.

    • Thanks for the comment. Yes, cutting and many other things release endorphins and I call the endorphin rush from doing things like that my cheap form of Prozac :p

      When it comes to things like cutting I do have control over that, but when it comes to my ED I don’t have control over that at the moment. I relapse every so often but eventually get it back under control (hopefully before it get to the hospitalization point too). My variant of cutting would have to…actually not going to say as I don’t want to plant the idea with others who might then try it…

  2. I self harm because I feel it’s a quick fix for how I feel. Nothing else helps except the blade, I could be happy, upset, angry, lonely.. I do it. It use to be only when I feel bad, now it can be any time, I love how it feels. Nothing out there is like it.

  3. I stumbled across your site while trying to pull up the BPD challenge again, and I am really happy I did. I’m currently going through the challenge, and even though I use it as a means of self-harm, I didn’t realize anyone really considered EDs self-harm. When I can’t cut, I purge.

Leave a Reply