Bad night…

*** Trigger Warning ***

While this video is informational, some of the images are somewhat graphic and may be trigger to some. If you find this type of material triggering, please do not watch the video.

Last night was a bad night which seems to be the norm these days as the bad days far outweigh the good; or perhaps it’s more accurate to say that given my current state I can’t see the good in anything that happens lately. This only makes trying to deal with these things harder to deal with. IOP is helping some and I can see how what I’m learning may help me, but at the moment I simply don’t have the control to dial back my emotions so I’m either up or down; there doesn’t seem to be a middle anymore.

I did cut last night and for that I think I’m more upset with myself than anyone else who knows about it, but at the same time I think I need to explain why I cut. This video touches upon it very briefly, but it’s something that’s important for others to understand. While cutting is bad and causes many problems in one’s life, it’s the lesser of two evils. I cut when I am having suicidal thoughts. Why? Because cutting helps to give me something else to focus on rather than killing myself; blunt I know, but the plain and simple truth. The pain becomes a focusing point, helps to bring my mind back from the brink, and slows my mind down. I’m not advocating cutting in the least, rather I’m trying to explain why I cut.

To those in my life who I let down last night, I’m sorry. I did reach out and talked with someone, but in the end I still cut…and now to talk with my therapist today at IOP so she’ll soon know too. Seems I’m letting a lot of people down these days, myself included 🙁

Peace, love, and contentment,
Izzy

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