Not Good…

tumblr_lmv9xnkvYP1qbelzzo1_5002Sitting here before getting ready for bed I have been working on my daily ED report card and it’s not looking good at all and I meet with my therapist tomorrow morning. The last time we meet she was on me about going to see a nutritionist here in town who deals with eating disorders (see The Problem Child & Adventures on Public Transportation); in the time since I last talked with my therapist I have lost another X pounds, been restricting, purging, exercising, self-harming, not sleeping, and a few other things.

MHG_UnderstandingAnorexiaNervosa_size640x480Given that my therapist has already not been overly happy with my refusing to see the nutritionist, my cutting and my out of control ED, she’s threatened to have me put inpatient until I stabilize. This diary card for the past week isn’t helping my cause any in avoiding the nutritionist or staying outpatient. If she has me empty the contents of my purse, things will just go downhill faster too as it struck me this evening while transferring thing from my purse to my book-bag that I have the Ana purse contents…diet pills, laxatives, sugar-free gum, sugar-free energy drink mixes, scalpel, band-aids, toothbrush, toothpaste, diet soda, and bottled water.

If I disappear from my blog suddenly, it means I’ve been put inpatient and don’t have access to it…I’m hoping to avoid that but I may not be given a choice in the matter…

3 Comments

  1. Whatever happens, I hope it’ll be helpful. I understand you not wanting to go inpatient, I always said the same thing. But if it might help, please, do give it a chance. You’re worth it. *hugs*

    • Thanks. It’s only been a month as of today that I got out of my last inpatient stay and while it helps some for while it hasn’t helped in the long run really.

      Also, I’m not emotionally to the point of wanting/needing recovery; until I am ready to recover there really isn’t much anyone can do to help (yes, they can force feed me to physically keep me alive but that doesn’t address the underlying issues).

      Oh well, I’ll get through this…it’s not first time battling these demons; I got through it before I should be able to get through it this time too.

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