Today was my second day of IOP and things went well for the most part. Again, it’s only my second day and too early to really make a judgement call on it, but I can see how the skills being taught in IOP can be helpful in a number of ways. So while I am reserving judgement for a bit, I am starting to see how IOP may be beneficial. Another added benefit is it gets me out of the house every day and is helping to give me a bit of routine that’s been lacking in my life as of late.
The problem didn’t come until later in the day when I went to pay for my day’s IOP session and my outstanding initial consult to get me into the system. When I talked with my therapist this past Tuesday, one of my very first questions was how much does IOP cost and she told me $X per session. Now X number of dollars was doable, especially since I’m uninsured and unemployed, so I am having to borrow the money from my boyfriend to cover all of this. Anyway, after IOP I went to pay and the woman behind the counter said it was 3X which took me by surprise. I told her that’s not what I was told and need to talk to someone because at 3 times what I was told, I simply can’t afford to go to IOP but I was told I’d have to wait until Monday to talk to someone about it.
Of course this unexpected problem didn’t sit well and I figured I would talk to my boyfriend in the evening after he got home from work; problem was my mind was now dwelling upon this money issue and my thoughts kept going to having to stop going to IOP. The thought of stopping IOP really pushed a button and my mood quickly crashed, I started crying and having some very dark thoughts so I did what I’m supposed to do, I called my boyfriend who’s the first person on my call tree.
When my boyfriend gets on the phone, I told him what I really needed from him was for him to say, “there’s nothing that can be done about it until Monday, so stop obsessing over it.” While I kept telling myself that very thing, I needed to hear it from someone else; I guess as sort of validation that that’s the right answer to the current problem. After listening to my story he said back to me what I need to hear but that’s not where things ended. He asked a couple of questions and I admitted that since I had $3X on me, that I paid it (I hate confrontation so I tried to avoid it for the moment by just paying the amount demanded). My boyfriend took issue with that and told me that I shouldn’t have done that, that I should have called him, that I should have handled the thing differently, and that $3X is now gone and won’t be applied as I had been told. While he wasn’t yelling or anything and I’m not sure if he was upset or just trying to point out how I could have handled things differently, in my mind I was being scolded for how I had handled the situation.
Here I was trying to do the right thing when my head-space crashed and was having dark thoughts only to have the person on the other end of the line tell me how I had screwed up. Wasn’t even close to what I needed right then and only helped to make my mood worse; I was in tears as I hung up the phone and hurting more than when I had called him. While I can see his point now, at the time I was already overloaded and close to the edge and he wonders why I broke my promise about talking to him when I felt suicidal before my last attempt? Thoughts of locking myself in the cupboard did go through my mind as I was that down and my thoughts were not healthy (see Girl in the Cupboard for background on this whole topic).
Rather than locking myself in the cupboard I went and worked on mowing the lawn some to divert my mind from things; for some reason I find riding on the riding mower and going in circles a good distraction for my mind. The problem was the heat! It’s like 90+ outside this afternoon, so I couldn’t stay out there for too long.
I’m sure my boyfriend doesn’t know how I felt after getting off the phone with him, but since he reads my blog…
Peace, love, and contentment,