Spiraling Out of Control

***Trigger Warning***

This posts talks about eating disorders, anorexia, bulimia, and cutting which may be triggering to some.

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It’s not been a good afternoon/evening whatever. Somehow I thought I had hit bottom last month just prior to my suicide attempt, but since getting out of the hospital things have only gotten worse. Ana is in control of my eating, I know this and yet I can’t bring myself to eat; take today as an example of recent eating patterns and I only ate like 400 calories (most days are more like in the 300 calorie range lately). Mia (slang for bulimia) made a reappearance in my life this evening and I purged all of those 400 calories; something I very rarely do since I absolute hate throwing-up. I told my sister about purging which brought about feelings of guilt so I binged and ate 400 calories of junk food (so I guess I’m back where I was before purging).

I knew I was in trouble in the eating department when it became clear I was going to have the house to myself until sometime Friday and Ana started whispering that it would be the perfect time to fast. The temptation was there and very strong, but I also know that Rick and Casz would be extremely upset if I didn’t eat something (hence why I did eat this evening). Left to my own devices, I would simply not eat at all and not having anyone around to be accountable to just makes that all the easier…

I was also having thoughts of self-harm, namely cutting. I talked with my sister and she talked me out of cutting, but as the evening progressed my emotional state deteriorated and eventually emotional thinking led me down that path. Getting a scalpel from the medical kit, I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor, scalpel in hand, and out of control. The first cut was tentative as I’ve not done any cutting in a longtime, but the second cut was a bit deeper and with less hesitation. Cutting did have the desired effect in that it did bring me back to the moment, helped me center, and gave me something to focus on; at least temporarily…yes I know all the problems that were there before I cut are still there, but at least I’m not as emotionally out of control and can focus. The problem with cutting is it can quickly get out of control and become the standard fall back when things get out of control 🙁

Been a horrendous night; Ana. Mia, and cutting. Is that the trifecta?

Peace, love, and contentment,
Izzy

3 Comments

  1. I usually eat about the same amount, 300-400 calories a day, if that. I don’t do it on purpose, it’s because I have several chronic illnesses, one of which is gastroparesis. It makes eating very difficult. Doesn’t matter, on purpose or not, they still call it anorexia. I really don’t give a shit what they call it. I’ve also, just recently, found out how the “other thing” gets out of control really quickly, but it does help. People don’t understand, but it is a huge release. Hang in there and know you aren’t alone on this journey.

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