Trigger Warning! This post deals with topics that may be triggering to some.
Today, like every weekday, was my normal IOP group but for some reason Monday’s are the hardest. Having to report on the entire weekend might have something to do with it, as during the week it’s only a 24-hour period so it seems more manageable. Maybe it was because I had a roller coaster weekend and had more dips than ups over the weekend; maybe it was because I knew I was meeting with my therapist today; maybe it was realizing that my ED is out of control and having to admit that to my therapist; maybe it’s because I worry about being put inpatient again (it’s been exactly a month today that I got out of my last inpatient stay); maybe I’m just in a crappy moods on Monday’s. On a brighter note, I wasn’t the withdrawn, suicidal mess I was at Friday’s IOP group, so I guess that’s a positive…right?
Obviously since I’m writing this blog entry, I am still outpatient; I personally think that’s a good thing, but there are those in my life who have mixed feelings on it. I have a love/hate thing about inpatient. On the one hand it’s very structured, safe, stabilizing, and a wonderful place to hide. On the other hand, it’s very structured which goes away once you’re released, stability is an illusion and it goes out the window once released, and all those things you’re hiding from while inpatient are still sitting there, waiting your return. So yes, I have a love/hate relationship with the whole inpatient thing. While outpatient is infinitely harder in the short run, it’s better in the long run because you have to face those demons that are plaguing you. Now, if I could disappear into inpatient and never have to worry about anything again…no, still not even then. To me inpatient is like an emergency exit and alarms will sound…
Today’s session with my therapist revolved around the same two key points that are most pressing at the moment; namely my eating disorder and my cutting. On the bright side I didn’t cut on Sunday; was going for a two-day record, but that fell by the wayside today. At least I did manage to skip a day so hopefully I’ll be able to build upon that; small steps right?
The topic of going to the nutritionist of course came up again in session and I told her I’d think about it. I know she wasn’t happy with that answer, but that was the best I could do. No, my therapist was not happy at all with my ED report card for the previous week either (see Not Good… for more information on my ED report card); restricting, purging, self-harm, etc. every single day and no more than 3 -4 hour sleep on any given day. Sort of was the report card from hell; surprisingly she didn’t ask if I’d lost any more weight since the last time we met, but given my report card it’s sort of given that I lost more weight during the past week.
I did also tell her about my revelation about the contents of my purse last night (see Not Good… for more information); one thing I’ve learned about therapy is it only works if you’re honest with your therapist. Yes, it wasn’t easy telling her about it, but it is something she needs to be aware of. She did ask if I’d be willing to leave those items with her and I told her no. She then asked if there was someone else I would feel comfortable leaving those things with and again the answer was no. From there it finally went to would I feel comfortable leaving those items at home so I didn’t have them with me all the time; I said I’d consider that option. There is just something comforting knowing that those items are in my book-bag/purse/with me. Just because I have them with me doesn’t mean I’m going to use them; but I can see where having them with my can increase the likelihood that I will use them since they are handy. Again, baby steps here.
I somehow got out of my session with my therapist without a blank ED report card, so I texted her asking if she could please arrange to get me one tomorrow during IOP, which she said she would. I then texted her asking for the information on the nutritionist which made her day. My therapist was actually ecstatic that I had asked for that information. I told her no promises, but at least I have the information if I should decide to contact the nutritionist (which I might do if only to figure out how much it’s going to cost to see her). Another part of the problem here is a nutritionist is all about food and eating and this is the girl who couldn’t bring herself to eat a stupid Life Savers candy with a whopping 15 calories (see Ana & the Life Savers Candy). This isn’t my first time down this path and I know from experience that until I’m ready to try to recover, nothing anyone says, does, or threatens will change my feelings towards recovery. It’s one of those, you can lead a horse to water things…not that I’m saying I’m a horse…maybe the leg of one and that might weigh more than me still. I know I do have a few pumpkins growing in the garden that weigh more than I do…hey, I heard that!!
It’s been an emotional day and I am actually tired for a change…maybe sleep will come tonight or so I hope!
Peace, love, and contentment,