Trigger Warning – This post may be triggering to some
Today has been a rough day on a several fronts and I would have to say I am not doing well today at all…
Since I do not have a car or transportation, the county mental health department has provided me with daily rides to and from IOP. However, once a month they have a morning meeting and on that day cannot give me a morning ride. That left me trying to figure out an alternative way to get to IOP today, which I did manage to do. The major obstacle is living out in the country since there is no public transportation or a way to get into town from here; once in town it is not a problem since it is a college town and the bus system is good. I arranged for one of my roommates to drop me off at IHOP this morning so I could catch the bus so I could get to IOP (the community health services could provide a ride home today, just not in) and my weekly meeting with my therapist. It was because of my weekly meeting with my therapist I even went because if it had only been IOP today I would have just not gone, but I really needed to see my therapist.
This was the plan I came up with yesterday once I knew I was on my own for getting to IOP, the only problem was I had not considered the weather. This morning turned out to be a very wet, rainy morning (not complaining, as we need the rain, just was not planning on it raining this morning). Also never having ridden the bus route I had planned, I was not familiar with where the stops where, where I needed to switch buses and the like. Ideally, I would have preferred to have driven the route once so I could make some mental notes about the route, but that simply was not an option for this today.
As I sat in the IHOP eating something for breakfast (yes, I did actually eat something this morning. Figured it was best to eat and not blackout walking to or from the bus stops) the rain started. It was not raining too hard at first, but as it got closer to time to catch my bus, it of course started pouring, thundering, and got windy; great. Luckily, they had a shelter at the bus stop so it was not horrid. Not being familiar with the bus route, I missed my stop by one stop; one stop is not the end of the world if there is overlap between the bus routes in question, but that was not the case here. As I got off the first bus to walk back to the other bus stop my connecting bus of course drives by. To top it all off it’s raining even harder now. Oh well, I decide to walk towards my destination knowing I’d eventually pass another bus stop and I could figure out when the next bus would be along. By the time I reached the next bus stop, my shoes were soaked, my socks soaked, and my lower pant legs dripping wet, but I did get to the bus stop just in time for the next bus to pull up so that was good!
Anyway, the agoraphobic, social anxiety girl who does not handle changes to routines well finally made it to her appointments for the morning (but not without a couple of panic attacks along the way).
While sitting in IOP my therapist finally comes in to get me for our weekly therapy session and I was relieved since it got me out of IOP for an hour. I also was dreading meeting with her since I have not been doing well at all, have been self-harming, not eating, and just generally an emotional roller coaster the past few weeks and while I’ve spent lots of time talking to therapists in my life, it’s never easy to go over emotional scars. Actually the scars aren’t problems if they are fully healed, no it’s all those scars we think have healed only to find they really never have; those are the ones that still hurt the most to talk about.
Since I am in IOP and have to fill out a daily report card that covers things like self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and the like my therapist had a good idea where my head has been this past week or so. In addition, since I have been self harming, not eating, and my report cards are off the chart (which is not a good thing with these types of report cards), we have to fill out more paperwork each visit until I am in a better space. My refusal to contract on certain things has not helped either; yes, I have contracted that I will not attempt suicide, but I will not contract about cutting or eating. Apparently I’m a high risk patient and this puts me on a shorter leash; I cannot miss IOP without good cause, I have to take calls from my case worker, I have to take my meds (I did admit to not taking them regularly but because I’ve been forgetting and not out of defiance), and a few other restrictions. My therapist also said she would have no problem having me put inpatient if she ever felt it was warranted; something I already figured since I have not been contracting on some key aspects.
Oh well, as she put it…I am the problem child at the moment; not that that’s my intent at all.
Once all the suicidal and self-harm stuff was out-of-the-way, the topic turned to my eating disorder and what we are going to do about my ED. She wants me to start seeing a nutritionist/dietitian who specializes in eating disorders; I told her I would have to think about it. Yes, I know my ED is out of control and I have been losing weight at an alarming rate, but I dread the idea of having to go to see a nutritionist, following their diet plan and the worst part…the weekly weigh in. Until I get to a better head-space, going to see a nutritionist is a waste of money and given my BMI is above 18.5 at the moment they can’t force me to see one at this point. I am hoping as I work through some of these other issues I am dealing with, I will once again be able to get my ED under control (Ana has been a part of my life since high school and we usually manage to tolerate each other without killing each other in the process).
As if this morning wasn’t enough, the van used to picking up and dropping off people for the center broke down on the ride home…yep, it’s been one of those days 🙁