To Close to the Edge

suicide jumperIt’s not been a good night at all so far; no, make that it’s not been a good day; no, make that it’s not been a good month; oh fuck it, who am I kidding, it’s not been a good year. Lets be honest here…

Emotionally I’m raw, you know, road rash kind of raw with every nerve exposed to the air, the slightest breeze overstimulating all the exposed nerves. The slightest thing overloading the system and pushing you instantly into that place where the pain is too much to deal with and you’d do anything to stop the pain. Yes, I mean anything including something to stop the pain from ever happening again. Yes, it’s been that bad of day and I knew I was in trouble earlier when thoughts of leaving IOP, going to the bathroom, and slicing my arm along the vain went through my mind. I even went so far as to get a scalpel from my book-bag, slip into the pocket of my hoodie, but stopped short of following through. First serious suicidal urges of the day…should have been my first warning sign.

Fast forward to this evening and I had continued to progress downhill all day when a comment hit me wrong and pushed me once again over the edge. I retreated to my bedroom, curled up in a corner with my teddy bear (yes, I still have a teddy bear and he knows too many of my secrets to let go of), and lost it. My mind doing a mental inventory of what meds we have in the house, which given my last attempt last month there aren’t many around these days. That’s when I reached out to my sis Casz…

Help me…I can’t take it anymore; the pain is just too much to bear anymore; I’m tired & want this to end

Okay, the first thing I’ve done right all fucking day. My first serious suicidal urge was today while at the community health center and I should have reached out for help then, but we all know what they say about hindsight. When I found myself researching overdosing on benadryl, the only medication in the house at the moment, I knew I was in real trouble. That was about the time my roommate knocked on my bedroom door to check on me and is most likely the one thing that saved me this evening. He suggested I contact my therapist, so I sent her a text message:

I need help. I’m to close to the edge & just want to end it all. Been going downhill all day. Not sure what to do.

As my mind pulled back from the edge some I thought it best to contact everyone on my call tree, so I sent out a group text to everyone on my call tree:

Having a bad night. Found myself researching overdosing on benadryl I knew I was in trouble. I promise to not do anything & talk w/someone tomorrow @ Bert Nash

So for the moment at least I have manged to pull back from that edge. The problem is when I get into that emotional state, I can’t always control my impulses and that’s when I am a real danger to myself…

Peace, love, and contentment,
Izzy

2 Comments

  1. I’m glad you reached out to your support team and I hope they sent you some words of encouragement and love.

    Today was a rough day for me too. Was feeling suicidal and began writing a suicide note. I’ve never ever wrote a note before in all the other times I’ve felt suicidal. It was pretty emotional for me. This evening I had DBT skills group and once it was over I told one of the therapists how I was feeling. She did an in person coaching call to help me come up with some coping skills to use. She made me agree to it, otherwise I would have to go to the hospital. Considering I don’t want to go to the hospital right now, I agreed.

    So once I get off the computer, I’m going to color in my coloring book, watch some funny videos on YouTube and do some breathing exercises while smelling Trader Joe’s soap that I love the smell of. I don’t feel like doing these things, it doesn’t seem like it will work. But I promised.

    • Thanks. Yes, reaching out to my support team did help and is one of the reasons I’m still here right now.

      Sorry you had such a rough day yourself. I’ve only written a suicide note one time out of my seven suicide attempts and yes, it’s very emotional. I am glad you talked with someone who was able to help and that you contracted to stay safe. My problem is once I get so deep into emotional mind I tend to break my contracts. At the moment I think (and I can’t believe I’m saying this) going inpatient for a while might be a good idea; I’m currently a danger to myself and if it will help stabilize me it might be worth it.

      Anyway, I promised a number of people to not do anything stupid..so here’s to us both still being here in the morning 🙂

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