It’s not been a good night at all so far; no, make that it’s not been a good day; no, make that it’s not been a good month; oh fuck it, who am I kidding, it’s not been a good year. Lets be honest here…
Emotionally I’m raw, you know, road rash kind of raw with every nerve exposed to the air, the slightest breeze overstimulating all the exposed nerves. The slightest thing overloading the system and pushing you instantly into that place where the pain is too much to deal with and you’d do anything to stop the pain. Yes, I mean anything including something to stop the pain from ever happening again. Yes, it’s been that bad of day and I knew I was in trouble earlier when thoughts of leaving IOP, going to the bathroom, and slicing my arm along the vain went through my mind. I even went so far as to get a scalpel from my book-bag, slip into the pocket of my hoodie, but stopped short of following through. First serious suicidal urges of the day…should have been my first warning sign.
Fast forward to this evening and I had continued to progress downhill all day when a comment hit me wrong and pushed me once again over the edge. I retreated to my bedroom, curled up in a corner with my teddy bear (yes, I still have a teddy bear and he knows too many of my secrets to let go of), and lost it. My mind doing a mental inventory of what meds we have in the house, which given my last attempt last month there aren’t many around these days. That’s when I reached out to my sis Casz…
Help me…I can’t take it anymore; the pain is just too much to bear anymore; I’m tired & want this to end
Okay, the first thing I’ve done right all fucking day. My first serious suicidal urge was today while at the community health center and I should have reached out for help then, but we all know what they say about hindsight. When I found myself researching overdosing on benadryl, the only medication in the house at the moment, I knew I was in real trouble. That was about the time my roommate knocked on my bedroom door to check on me and is most likely the one thing that saved me this evening. He suggested I contact my therapist, so I sent her a text message:
I need help. I’m to close to the edge & just want to end it all. Been going downhill all day. Not sure what to do.
As my mind pulled back from the edge some I thought it best to contact everyone on my call tree, so I sent out a group text to everyone on my call tree:
Having a bad night. Found myself researching overdosing on benadryl I knew I was in trouble. I promise to not do anything & talk w/someone tomorrow @ Bert Nash
So for the moment at least I have manged to pull back from that edge. The problem is when I get into that emotional state, I can’t always control my impulses and that’s when I am a real danger to myself…
Peace, love, and contentment,