Depression Wins this Round

depression_woman_640Sorry I haven’t been around much this week; I’ve been battling my depression again and it seems the depression is winning. Today is the first day this week I’ve managed to get out of bed and get to my intensive outpatient therapy group; probably a good thing given how things have gone lately.

First it seems my medications, my antidepressant in particular, are no longer working which has put me back where I was before my last inpatient stay. Let’s just say it’s not a good place for me to be right now but at the same time, I really don’t want to go back inpatient again. This inpatient, outpatient, back inpatient, out again, in again, finally out again vicious cycle gets very tiring quickly. It also doesn’t seem to help me any with trying to battle some of my inner demons. Another reason I’ve been fighting to not go inpatient again is because they’re now talking about long-term inpatient care and I have no idea what they mean by long-term as no one seems to be able to answer that question for me. All I’ve been able to get out of anyone on this is it would be a minimum of a month but most likely longer. Great…

I can understand at some level why they want me inpatient again as my anorexia is out of control, I’m still self-harming, my depression is worse, my nightmares and night terrors are out of control, and I have the worst case of insomnia I’ve ever had. So at a logical level I can understand their concern, but I don’t live in reasonable mind these days and emotional mind says tell them to take a flying leap. Problem is I am no longer in control of my own fate if my therapist determines I’m a danger to myself or the person with power of attorney over me decides I need to go inpatient and has me committed. In either case, the decision will be outside of my control…

7928852102_ae1ff3a223_zSomething new has been added or maybe it’s been going for a long time and I’m only now noticing it but it seems I’m having periods of dissociation. I know those with BPD may tend to dissociate, but I don’t remember losing large chunks of time and I’m finding my room rearranged every so often. My roommates all say they haven’t been in my room nor would the rearrange things in my room. This has me concerned and a bit frightened; which of course adds to my stress and that may make my dissociative episodes worse. Haven’t talked to my therapist about this yet, but I’m seeing her tomorrow so I’ll bring it up then. Oh well, life goes on and I’m trying to move forward as best I can but lately it seems I take one step forward and then take two (or three) backwards.

Peace, love, and contentment,
Izzy

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