This morning when I weighed in I hadn’t lost nor gained any weight and I wasn’t sure how that made me feel at the time. As the day progressed that simple fact gnawed at me and given my dark head space these days it led me down the path of darkness. In other words, I was struggling today and was unable to bring myself to eat while yesterday I was doing better (see, That was yesterday, this is today).
Oh well, tomorrow is another day to try again…
I made it to my intensive outpatient group therapy (IOP) today; the first time since Monday I’ve felt up to going since I had migraines Tuesday and Wednesday. Late Monday night I got a nasty migraine and didn’t sleep so when my alarm block went off, I sent a text letting everyone know I wasn’t going to be going to IOP and went back to sleep or at least tried to sleep. Tuesday I was still fighting my migraine which was on its second day and I was so ready for it to be gone. Since we’ve started messing with my brain chemistry by adding antidepressants, nightmare medications and anxiety medications my migraines have returned with a vengeance. Wednesday my migraine was still there and I considered using one of my precious Imitrex but figured it had already gone on for a few days and was starting to lessen so why waste an Imitrex on it at that point.
Today in IOP we studied the distress tolerance section of the work book (my third or fourth time going through this section) and specifically on the guidelines for accepting reality: observing your breath exercises. Oh joyful; for some reason breathing exercises don’t do anything for me but okay, I’ll give it another shot.
Of the seven breathing exercises we did in group not one did anything for me; I was told if I did them regularly they would work in time. I’m skeptical; so far nothing I’ve been taught to pull me back from the edge has worked as quickly or as effectively as cutting. Again I’m told it’s going to take time, especially given how long I’ve been cutting. My problem has been that when I get close to the edge and overloaded, everything they’ve tried to teach me goes out the window and doesn’t come to mind. Oh well, I guess I’ll keep trying.
Another thing that came out of today’s IOP group was my therapist wants to move me into the eating disorder group this coming November. I’m not sure how I feel about that, but I also have a feeling I’m not really going to be given a choice in the matter since my ED is out of control, I’m still losing weight, restricting, and purging so the argument seems to be that I’m a danger to myself. We’ll see how all of this unfolds and I will of course blog about it along the way.
The other day my sister Casz took me by surprise when she told me she wants me to go inpatient but for a long-term stay this time. I told her I wasn’t suicidal so she didn’t need to worry about that but I did admit to not eating and self harming, although I didn’t tell her how frequently I’ve been cutting. I didn’t admit to how often I’ve been suicidal either.
While I’ve promised a lot of people I wouldn’t commit suicide, I never promised anyone I would eat nor did I promise anyone I wouldn’t starve myself to death. Of course Casz pointed out that starving myself to death is just a different form of suicide…curse her.
I eventually told her I would think about going inpatient again but that’s all. Sadly the one person in my life who understands everything I’m going through is Casz; she has struggled with depression, suicidal tendencies, and an eating disorder so if there’s any one person in my life who I should listen to when they suggest going inpatient long-term, it’s Casz. Well, Casz and my therapist, but I tend to tell Casz more than my therapist since I only see my therapist once a week; Casz and I talk almost daily so she knows more about my mental state at any given moment than anyone else in my life.
I’m just not sure about going inpatient again, especially long-term; I recently did three weeks out of six inpatient which seems like a lot to me…I just don’t know anymore.
Apparently sometime today I surpassed the 500 follower mark for this blog! Given that I’ve had this blog a little less than two months, I am surprised and happy to have 500+ followers already. To each and every one of you, thank you.
Peace, love, and contentment,