Messed Up Today

self harm mainDays since I last cut: 0 🙁

Seems every time I get out of the hospital I get hit with a ton of shit which only serves to push me deeper into my depression. Oh well, life goes on around me even if I find myself stuck in the depths of depression. I did manage to go 12-days without cutting before falling off the bandwagon; today starts another attempt to control my cutting. I know I can get this under control, especially since I managed to go years without doing it before. Seems I’m battling too many demons all at once so it’s hard to get any one of them under control right now; feeling overwhelmed is not a good feeling at all.

My anxiety medications seem to be helping a lot in the self-harm area but medications can only go so far. While I’ve learned a lot of alternative methods to help control my anxiety and panic attacks, when I’m in a full-blown panic attack those things I’ve learned seem to go out of my mind and I can’t do them. Yes, it’s a long and slow process to change a behavior, especially one that works instantly to pull me back from the brink but I feel I’ve let others and myself down when I self-harm. Oh well, trying to pick myself up and move forward…


I was awoken this morning with yet another migraine; one that was so bad I missed IOP and have hidden in my darkened bedroom all day. I have been diagnosed with chronic migraines and typically get close to 20+ migraines per month, but we had gotten them under control until recently. I suspect it’s because we’ve recently started messing with my brain chemistry as we attempt to get my depression, anxiety, panic attacks, night terrors/nightmares, and other issues under control. The most common reason I’ve had to stop taking a medication is because they trigger massive migraines that are more unbearable than the depression or whatever the medication is supposed to be treating.

My migraines only respond to medications specifically for migraines; I can throw all the Tylonal, Aleve, Advil, etc. at a migraine and they won’t even touch my pain levels. For me to abort a migraine, the only medication that seems to work is Imitrex. We did find one medication that helped to prevent migraines for me, but I have low blood pressure already and the medication effected my blood pressure too much so I had to stop taking it. When it got to the point of blacking out every time I stood up I knew it was only a matter of time before I seriously hurt myself in a fall so that medication had to go. Ya, I tend to present doctors with tons of challenges and am often labeled a problem patient because of it…a label I have come to hate too.

Today is another day to try to start clean and move forward. It’s a challenge and I know I’m going to fall off the bandwagon occasionally but my goal is to make it longer between those falls. Baby steps…that’s all I can promise and take each day one at a time…

Peace, love, and contentment,


  1. Have you ever tried squeezing a few ice cubes as hard as you can? I tried this for the very first time a couple weeks ago and it actually was enough to take away the desire to self-harm for that moment. The pain I feel from squeezing the cold ice is enough pain to satisfy me. I know this doesn’t work for some people though. T

    • I have used the squeezing ice cubes in my hands and it has worked in the past. The problem seems to be that I’ve over used it and it’s not as effective any more so I’m trying to find something else.

      My problem seems to be that when I get to the point of wanting to self-harm, everything I’ve been taught in IOP goes out the window. Nothing pulls be back from the edge as fast or as effectively as cutting; I’m addicted and I know it and having problems breaking that addiction 🙁

1 Trackback / Pingback

  1. 30-Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day 3 | Battling the Demons Within

Leave a Reply