It was a very stressful weekend for me; for some reason weekends seem to be my worst time when it comes to my depression, self-harm, anxiety, and the like. I have at least been able to recognize that weekends are hard for me, but I can’t figure out why. Something for me to ponder and see if I can figure out why.
Saturday we had our annual Halloween party here at the house, which meant 80+ people over for a bonfire, socializing, massive potluck, and fun out in the country. One of the nice things about living in an old church out in the country, plenty of space, no neighbors, and tons of firewood for our bonfire parties. The problem is I don’t do crowds; haven’t been able to handle crowds for years now, and Saturday’s party was no exception. My anxiety levels were extremely high Saturday, my social phobia in full swing, and I wanted to retreat to my room and hind. Since I couldn’t hide in my room, I tried to figure out a way I could be at the party and yet keep some kind of boundary/space between me and everyone else. I found a spot in a corner, with a small table that I moved so it was at an angle, which created a bottleneck. This made it extremely difficult for others to get to my side of the table; I then put a chair in that bottleneck, making it more difficult for someone to get to me. Finally I surrounded myself with electronics; the modern-day “do not disturb” sign. I even referred to my little area as my cocoon, keeping people out while still being at the party and still able to socialize but with only one or two people at a time. So I basically took a party of 80+ people and made it somewhat bearable; yes, I wasn’t being overly social, but my friends stopped by at different times to chat.
Sunday wasn’t a good day at all either for me. I didn’t even get out of bed all day except to get something to drink. Of course, with drinking fluids all day I would have to get out of bed to get rid of the liquids at some point. My antidepressants don’t seem to be working and my depression has run at a 10 for the past week or so. My suicidal ideations have been running close to a 10 most days, but I am still here. Now as for my anorexia and self-harm, both of those are sort of out of control at the moment too; seems I’m backsliding more than anything these days. Hence, why there is talk of my going inpatient again. If I end up back inpatient in an emergency stabilization ward, they’re going to transfer me to long-term inpatient and who knows how long that would last. With the possibility of a long-term inpatient stay, I’ve been trying to get my power of attorney, healthcare proxy, and living will all in order because once inpatient I legally can’t take care of these items.
Today I’ve stayed holed up in my room all day as well. I have at least managed to get some things taken care of in my room, so I guess I did something today.
Peace, love, and contentment,