It’s not been a good week this past week. I’ve been suicidal most days, depressed, having daily panic attacks (multiple panic attacks most days), night terrors, PTSD flashbacks, self-harming daily, and a general mess. Twice this past week Bert Nash screened me for possibly inpatient placement and both times they wanted me to go inpatient but I refused. I know I really should go inpatient, a part of me is afraid to go in again. My biggest fear is it will be for a lengthy stay. My last inpatient stay was two weeks long and at that time, they talked about putting me into a long-term group home. So part of my fear is not knowing how long I’d be inpatient this time around.
Everyday this past week I’ve met with one of my therapists. My normal therapist has been on emergency family leave, so in her absence I’ve been seeing another therapist daily. When I briefly saw my normal therapist yesterday, she mentioned she’s gotten a lot of emails about me this past week. I can only imagine everything she’s been told too. Today the therapist running the daily intensive outpatient therapy group jokingly said she was going to make sure to relay some comment I made during group. I for the life of me can’t remember what I said but I’m sure it was a snarky remark. Yes, I tend to be extremely sarcastic most of the time; go figure.
Of course, my not eating and my eating disorder was one topic talked about a lot this past week. Here I am, not eating, self-harming, and suicidal, fighting to stay out-patient and I nearly blackout leaving my therapists office! I’m sure that would have been just the thing they could use to have me put in against my will too. Luckily, I grabbed hold of the doorjamb to catch myself, so I didn’t fall at least. Of course this all happened under the gaze of my therapist, who immediately asked if everything was okay. I admitted to getting up too fast, to which she said to eat something.
Eat something. You know, to someone who has an eating disorder, severely restricts her calorie intake, weighs herself like 20 times per day, and purges, there is never a eat something. Being told to eat something usually has the opposite effect on me; it only makes me to not want to eat something! Guess I should add out of control eating disorder to the list of things in the first paragraph in this post; my ED is also out of control at the moment/still it seems.
Okay, so I’ve been suicidal most days, depressed, not eating, cutting, having night terrors and nightmares, not sleeping, panic attacks, and flashbacks. I can see why my therapists are concerned and want me inpatient again. One thing I’ve left of out the mess is my sleepwalking. For the second time that I’m aware of, I got out of the house while sleepwalking, and this time a neighbor found me and brought me back home. The neighbor found me walking down the street, in my pajamas and slippers, headed towards town (which is five miles away). I was lucky a neighbor found me and brought me back home; not everyone is nice and something bad could happen easily. Worse yet, the sheriff finds me, I end up in the ER, and they send me inpatient again; seems fear of going inpatient is a common thread in my life at the moment.
Looking back over the past week, I can see just how bad things have gotten and can see why it may be in my best interest to go inpatient again. In addition, I won’t even go into my dissociative episodes this past week, as I’m still trying to figure those out…
Peace, love, and contentment,