Do you ever wonder what the point is? I’ve been having one of those days and right now, I don’t see the point to things anymore.
January marks my sixth month of intensive outpatient therapy (IOP) and I wonder if it’s really helping any. Yes, I did manage to go 6-weeks without cutting but mostly because four of those weeks were spent inpatient and I couldn’t cut, so I know at some level the things they’ve been trying to teach me in IOP does help. My big problem is when I get emotional, I still have a difficulty drawing upon the things I’ve learned, and I fall back on those old maladaptive coping methods. Six months and I’m not see the progress myself. If anything, just the opposite.
Speaking of maladaptive coping methods, if a coping method has worked every single time you’ve used it, is it truly a maladaptive coping method? Cutting has always, and still does, work every single time I am overloaded and I use it pull me back from that edge that leads to suicide. Just who gets to call my coping method maladaptive? Some psychologist, a doctor, my therapist, or society? Because others don’t understand cutting doesn’t make it maladaptive. Does it?
Here I am six months down the road, still going to daily group therapy for 3-hours a day, 5-days a week, and I feel like I’m worse now than when I started all this crap. While my anorexia was doing better for a bit, it’s worse now than 6-months ago. My depression is at an all-time high and it’s a struggle just getting out of bed. My PTSD is horrendous with flashbacks and panic attacks happening often. My nightmares and night-terrors are doing a little better thanks to the drugs, but I still get 2 to 3 nightmares a night, and a night-terror every other day or so. While better, there is still lots of room for improvement. My psychosis is the worst it’s ever been; the voices are growing stronger and louder, my hallucinations are so complex I can no longer differentiate reality from hallucination, and all five senses come into play with my hallucinations. I’m still having suicidal thoughts, but then that’s normal and they are currently back down to baseline; a day doesn’t go past that I don’t have these types of thoughts and on a scale of 1 to 10, my baseline is normally a three.
Sigh, been fighting a nasty cold today, feeling depressed, found myself more than once today clutching teddy and crying hysterically. Guess my physical state is taking a toll on my mental state as well.
Peace, love, and contentment,