Laying on the sofa in my parents living room, I’m trying to gather the energy and willpower to get my day started. Listen to the increasing sounds of traffic, I grab my phone off the coffee table to check messages, catch up on the news and see what the weather for the day has in store. The first headline in my news feed felt like a punch in the gut, Anthony Bourdain had been found dead in his hotel room from an apparent suicide. I was shocked and saddened, Anthony Bourdain was one of the few celebrities I paid attention to. I enjoyed his candor about his struggles with drugs and other demons. I liked how he blended food with the culture of the places he visited on his Parts Unknown show on CNN.
As one who suffers reoccurring major depression, PTSD, migraines, and a few other things I can relate to how Bourdain might have felt. With more suicide attempts to my name than I’d like to admit, hearing of someone committing it hits me hard. I’m not saying I condone suicide, I’m just saying I can relate to and understand why someone would do it. I often feel that those who can understand what someone is suffering from is someone who’s dealt with it themselves.
I find myself in Los Angeles, sleeping on my folk’s sofa because last weekend found me standing atop a cliff, a river winding through the canyon below, with thoughts of jumping off the cliff to my death going through my mind. I took those thoughts for what they were, a warning that things are not good on the mental health front. After some talks with friends and family, I decided to make a beeline to Los Angeles and start the process of getting help…again.
I’ve only been back in Los Angeles for a few days. I came here to be closer to family, start the process of getting back into the mental health system, and transfer my disability to California. This past week has been spent dealing with the Social Security Administration to get my disability transferred from Missouri to California. Dealing with the government is almost as stressful and frustrating as I find driving in Los Angeles, but both are things I’ll have to learn to handle if I am to stay here long enough to address my problem.
Oh well, it seems that battling the demons within goes on and hence I have decided to revive this blog to chronicle my continuing battles with mental health issues…
Changes to my blog
After moving my blog to its new domain, I am in the process of cleaning up the older posts. Gone are the quotes of the day as they clogged up the blogs feed. Gone too are most of the music videos I linked to on YouTube, unless they were a part of the post. Going, but not gone yet, are the images that came from the internet who’s licensing rights is in question.